not knowing

Today I had a beautiful experience of the gift of not knowing. In a conversation with a friend, I sensed a feeling of openness and ease until a question was asked for which I had no answer. A simple innocent inquiry that triggered a sense of uncertainty. With this “not knowing” there was a wave of contraction and collapse in the body, accompanied by the familiar stories of incompetence and failure, emotions of fear and shame. Terror at being found out and rejected.

To avoid the discomfort of collapse, to cover over this sense of incompetence, I quickly began to weave a fabric, a covering of one who knows, who feels competent and in control. This was woven with strands of mental efforts of repair - language, labels, meaning. Attempting to stitch together a dense tapestry of someoneness in order to not be rejected, to feel secure, in order to avoid the empty chasm of non-existence.

This whole pattern hums in a familiar vibration, a tune, a rhythm that has long Fueled this life stream’s effort to survive.

after a moment - or perhaps a lifetime - of this rhythmic hum, I received the invitation to stop and fall deeply Into this protective fabric of someoneness. In stopping and falling in and through the dense strands, it was revealed that there is nothing to protect, no one to protect, just space. And the fabric itself, the Tapestry Strands - also just space, the same, no difference.

There is no one here, No one to even be aware. of strands of fabric. No one to know, or not know. No knowing. Silent space.

Then as the fabric weaves itself out of silent space into apparent someoneness there is no problem, no resistance. no competence or incompetence. Just a deep sense of silence and apparent tapestry playing. A mystery unfolding now…..and now…..and now………